


Is this Living?

by LamesIsCanon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Happy Ending, M/M, Not Beta Read, Peter is found out, first order of the phoenix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:21:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26131072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LamesIsCanon/pseuds/LamesIsCanon
Summary: James has dreams that make it difficult distinguishing real life from made up dreams.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

He and Lily are sat atop the stone stairs on the fifth floor, working on Transfiguration essays and ignoring Dorcas and Marlene leaning against the banister and arguing over the correct answer to their Arithmancy homework. Peter is throwing wadded up gum wrappers at Sirius, who complains to Remus but Remus pretends not to hear him and focuses on his book, although his hand that’s holding Sirius’ squeezes it once to let him know to shut up.

Lily sighs heavily once she finishes writing and leans to rest her back against the front of James’ legs. He smiles at her when she tilts her head up to look at him. 

“I wrote eight inches over the requirement.” She taunts. 

James frowns down at his own essay, nearly finished after he finishes this next sentence, and counts his own excess words. 

“I only wrote an extra three.” He admits. 

“Ha! Beat you.” Lily smirks at him, and it infuriates James so much that he leans over to kiss it off, despite the awkward angle and the fact that her face is literally upside-down to his. 

_He’s sitting at the top of a wooden staircase, polished and dark. They belong to his parent’s house, the one big enough to hold twelve extra guests._

_Lily sits two stairs below him with her back against the wall and her left leg stretched across so her foot touches the railing on the other side of the step. She listens to Dorcas and Marlene tell her about their movie date, and James pretends not to notice when she unconsciously rests her arm on his knee. Instead, he watches Remus and Sirius stand at the bottom of the stairs next to the large and heavy front door and throw gum wrappers at each other. Nobody mentions Peter isn’t there._

_Lily turns to him then, asking him how many times this summer he’s seen “Grease”, though there’s no competitiveness in her voice when she admits she’s seen it three times when he’s only been twice._

_It all feels so wrong._

~~~~

Remus and Sirius are sharing the sofa chair in front of the window with the view that looks out at the black lake. Sirius’ hands in Remus’ hair, and Remus with his arms around the other boy’s waist.

Lily is either sitting by the lake, or in the library. She requested privacy this morning, after receiving another nasty letter from her sister and James respected her need for time alone. He know’s she’ll be ready to talk about it tomorrow and he’ll be there for her in whatever way she needs. 

Peter is next to the bookshelves teaching chess to a first year and purposefully losing. James notices Peter smiles every time the first year taunts him for it, and is struck with the thought that Peter will be a great dad one day. 

James flops onto the rug in front of the fire, thinking of Lily when he watches the red flames flicker into the yellow, and thinks of how they’ll have their own family one day. He can’t wait. He wouldn’t trade this life for anything.

_They’re back in that damn house again, the one he knows is his parents but also knows that his real house would never be as dark or as clean. He wonders if it reminds Sirius of Grimmauld Place, except, he’s starting to forget what Grimmauld Place is and why he thinks Sirius is from a house with a name as ridiculous as that. Sirius lives with his uncle, and his uncle’s house has never looked like James’. Weird thoughts like this are not uncommon these days, so he shakes his head and decides to forget about why he was thinking about some grim, old house in the first place. Or why he was thinking about some other house he lived in even though he’s only ever lived in the same one his whole life._

_Sirius is sitting on the opposite side of the couch than Remus, staring at the other boy with some form of longing and sadness that hurts James to watch, so he looks away to give his friend some privacy._

_They’re missing Lily today, waiting for her to get back from a date with a boy from her sister’s choir._

_James wonders when Lily and Petunia started to get close again, or close enough that her sister kindly sets Lily up with a nice, handsome boy who can apparently sing. The jealousy he feels ruins his mood, and he longs for his friends to go home so he can go to bed and just sleep, and maybe fall into the dreams about the castle again._

_~~~~_

Mary, Dorcas, Marlene, and Lily join them on the floor of the common room, making the boys expand their circle to make room for them. Sirius passes over some snacks for the girls to munch on, willingly provided by the house elves when Peter went down to the kitchens. 

The eight of them indulge themselves in games they know they should’ve outgrown by now, but play anyways. For the first time that week, everything feels normal despite the growing rumors about war, and they’re having fun. 

_There’s the excitement within the group about going on a road trip, squishing themselves into Lily’s car. Despite never riding in one himself, or ever knowing Lily even had a car, James thinks about how Lily’s car is not going to fit the eight of them comfortably, nor will the trunk have room for eight bags. Remus comes out of Lily’s house, carrying his and James’ bags to the trunk, and shuts it without Peter’s bag going in._

_“Ready to go?” Remus smiles at him, and James realizes Peter isn’t coming.  
_

_Lily’s in the passenger seat, Remus climbs into the back with Marlene, separating himself from Sirius and Marlene from Dorcas._

_“This isn’t right!” James wants to scream. Sirius would never miss the chance to lay and sleep on Remus. He knows Marlene would rather talk about quidditch with Dorcas than spend hours talking about books with Remus. And he knows the only available seat is the driver’s, waiting for him to start them on an adventure.  
_

_“This isn’t right!” He moves his mouth to say, but what comes out instead is “This is perfect, let’s go.”  
_

_~~~~_

James and Sirius march with the pride and confidence that comes with successfully pulling off a prank. They look at each other and laugh because they just got away with something so brilliant and their hearts are beating to the sound of their quick footsteps as they go to meet Remus and Peter in front of the library. The wind blows through the open arches of the corridor, flutters their robs, and tangles their hair, making them feel so _free_. 

Adrenaline is still pumping through Sirius’ veins, he grabs the collar of Remus’ uniform the second they spot each other outside the library door and he kisses him until Remus’ surprise is replaced with the desire to kiss back. 

“I take it your part of the prank went well?” Remus asks once he pulls away for breath. 

“It was perfect, and you?” Sirius smiles up at him. 

“Executed flawlessly.”

“All thanks to your perfect planning.” Sirius winks at him, James rolls his eyes at the familiar flirting he’s put up with for the past year and a half. Peter gags. 

Remus just tucks Sirius under his arm, ignoring the other two Marauders and heads towards the great hall for dinner.

Lily meets him at the table and gives him the smile reserved for him and James thinks _**This** is how it should always be_. 

_James and Sirius lean against the rock wall that reaches the height of their hips and keeps them from getting too close to the edge of the scenic view._

_He gets the urge to stand on top of the wall, though he knows for some reason that it’s out of character for him, a thought that’s confirmed when Sirius gives him a strange look._

_Some part of him was looking for some familiar rush of adrenaline, or the feeling of the wind on top of the mountain to come and rustle his clothes, or to feel free like he does when he dreams of the castle._ _But none of that happens, so he climbs down._

_He’s about to forget about it all, the strange feeling of longing and how it caused him to act even stranger. He’s about to ask Sirius about Remus before remembering that there’s really no reason to. Sirius spends just as much time with Remus as James does, and hasn’t seen him since they all were together last night with the girls._

_James has no idea what’s real and what’s not, anymore._

_~~~~_

All of them pass their exams, every single one of them. Lily’s familiar competitiveness when she compares her NEWT scores to James’ makes him smile and kiss her because, oh well, he’s in love. 

But there’s a war going on, outside the castle. 

Dorcas leads the group out of the great hall with no actual destination in mind, but they follow because school is almost over and they’re all carefree and young. 

But, there’s still a war going on. 

They end up at the edge of the lake, under the willow tree.

“The one that _won’t_ kill us.” Remus says, each time they sit under it. 

James takes his wand and uses it to spell a carving into the bark. _LE + JP._ Marlene gags, causing Dorcas to giggle and punch her girlfriend playfully. “You wish you would’ve thought of it.”

Sirius and Peter take off their robes before racing each other into the water, fully clothed, then come running right back out complaining about the cold. Remus casts a drying charm without looking up.

There’s still a war.

Back in the common room, Lily falls asleep on James’ chest. The fire is warm, the atmosphere happy, but something still feels so heavy. 

They’re going to help as soon as they leave school, they’re going to fight to win no matter the cost. For now, they all have each other and they will hold on to that and love as much as they can because right now, there is still a war.

_Sirius walks into his house, drunk and uninvited. James doesn’t mind, that’s what his door is always unlocked for anyways. His best mate falls on the couch, and it’s then when James finally realizes he’s crying._

_“I love him.” He whispers, and James isn’t sure if he heard correctly, but before he can ask him anything, Sirius is asleep and snoring, safe on the couch. James goes up to bed, whispering “Good night, Siri”  
_

_James realized by now, watching Lily fall in love with this guy Petunia set her up with, that sometimes love is unreachable. You can’t hold onto it like you want to._


	2. This Can't be Living

_They’re sitting on the rocks beside the pond in the forest, watching Marlene and Remus wrestle each other into the water and listening to Sirius when he calls out numbers to rate their splashes when they fall in. James notices Sirius doesn’t score Remus ridiculously high over Marlene like he does when they have these contests in the black lake. He wonders if Sirius has finally let his boyfriend win on his own, or if Marlene threatened him._

_Except, of course Marlene wouldn’t threaten Sirius over something that James has only dreamed about. Sirius and Remus aren’t... like that. James berates himself for confusing his dreams with reality again._

_Lily is to his left, eyes closed against the sun and humming a song James can’t recognize but he’ll ask her about it later and look it up as soon as he gets home._

_It’s bliss._

_“I had the dream again.” He says it despite all efforts to keep it to himself this time, cursing the inability to keep the happy atmosphere around them. He hates himself more when Lily stops humming and opens her eyes to look at him.  
_

_“Tell me about it?”  
_

_And_ oh _. Shit, he thinks he loves her._

_“Nah, it’s stupid.” But it’s really not.  
_

_Lily crosses her legs and leans over to lay her head on his thigh, patiently looking up and waiting for him to start talking. And, okay, he should’ve known he’d never win when he’s going against her._

_Defeated, he sighs. “Do you remember me telling you about the castle?” Lily nods._

_“Right,” James blows out his nervous breath of air and runs his hand through his hair before thinking about it. “We were in the castle again, and we're all wearing these weird clothes while sitting in front of a fire and-" this is where it got weird, where James always thought Lily would laugh at him for how crazy everything sounded. But Lily didn't laugh. She never did.  
_

_"-and Remus is doing magic, with you. You both have magic wands and things are moving without any of us touching them but it feels so normal. We're laughing, all five of us. There's another boy there."_

_"Peter." Lily says. It isn't a question._

_James found out the boy’s name after his third or fourth night spent dreaming about this castle. Sirius - the dream version of Sirius, anyway - chased the boy ahead of their group when they were walking on the grass shouting “Peter’s passing charms!”_

_He wakes up from these dreams sweating, breathing hard, and not knowing what any of it means. He doesn’t know why this heavy mist of sadness burrows itself into his bones each time he realizes none of it is real and neither is Peter. He feels guilty, too, like he’s supposed to know Peter in real life but he was left behind in this alternate reality the rest of them managed to escape. But there’s also anger. Some mix of deep regret and anger left over sometimes, after dreaming of Peter._

_It’s crazy, he knows what it sounds like when he tells Lily, but something about it just makes sense. James feels like he’s living some stolen life in some alternate reality each time he wakes up from these dreams._

_“It feels so real, Lily.” He says it every time, voice cracking and Lily nodding like she understands.  
_

_The real sucker punch about all of this is, is it shouldn’t even be a problem. Under normal circumstances, he would just brush it off, tell himself he’s just going crazy and all those times he took a concussion from rugby is taking a toll on his sanity._

_Except, Lily has these dreams, too. And so does Sirius, and Remus, and Marlene and Dorcas and Mary. But it’s something they don’t talk about it._

“There’s a spy, James, and you’re a fool if you deny there isn’t!” Sirius yells at him, though it seems like he’s always yelling these days. “No one but the Order knew about Benjy’s mission, and now he’s fucking _dead_!” 

James closes his eyes against the memory that comes with those words. 

_Blood, everywhere._

Lily and Remus found him, and immediately called for Dumbledore, who called for James, Sirius, and Peter to come console the two. They hadn’t been able to clean up anything by the time James arrived. He and Lily held each other, sitting on the grass outside the house while the aurors dealt with the mess. 

_“Someone knew he was fighting with us.”_ He remembers Lily crying. 

“There’s a spy.” Sirius says quieter now, noticing the way James clammed up, but with as much aggressiveness. 

“I know, Pads.” James whispers, admitting what he’s known for weeks now.

Lily lets out a sob from behind him, sitting on the couch with Remus. 

_Remus_ , who Sirius hasn’t looked at properly since they met up outside of the Fenwick’s house. James knows there’s a spy, there’s been too many coincidences to argue against that, but he’s against Sirius’ crazy idea about who he thinks it is.

“Dumbledore knows a spell-” Sirius starts, but James is quick to stop him. 

“I know about the spell, and I’ve already said no!” Now James is yelling, but it would never deter Sirius. 

“James!” Sirius starts pacing now, pulling at his hair and glaring at his brother. “This is selfish!”

And yeah, no matter how much James wanted to argue against it, he was being selfish. 

Dumbledore told him about a risky spell that puts them in hiding, how it takes them away from the magical world and alters their memories from the past few years. It was different from the fidelius, but more effective. Safer, but more cruel. 

_It will affect everyone involved_. Dumbledore had explained. _Your friends, your wife, and your son. You’ll be forced away from the wizarding world until the war is over. Put to sleep and dream about a life that doesn’t exist. Nobody will be able to find you._

There was nothing wrong with that, or so James thought until Dumbledore warned him.

 _As long as each included member has good intentions, the spell will work. Those who wish to harm you will be left behind._ Dumbledore spoke gravely. _And they will be dealt with._

“The way Dumbledore explained it, I can’t -” James struggled to find the right way to explain it to Sirius. “I don’t know how I’ll deal if someone is left behind.”

He heard Lily stand up behind him, angry and broken, and storm out of the room. Remus went after her. 

“I can.” Sirius said fiercely, looking at the door Remus had just left through. “I can, knowing he’ll get what’s coming to him.” 

The sound of skin hitting skin echoes through the room, and Sirius holds his face in shock. James’ hand burns from the hit. 

“How dare you accuse him!” James hissed. “He’s the fucking love of your life.”

“We don’t know who he is!” Sirius roared, and James heart broke, not for the first time that day.

~~~~

_James Potter wakes up and he doesn’t know what’s real and what’s not anymore._

_He’s staring at his ceiling after waking up from a nightmare, where he watched Remus scream in pain and writhe on the floor of some rotting house. It was the first time he dreamed about Remus in pain, and himself being helpless as he watched his friend turn into a monster._

_“Don’t you dare call him that.” James scolded himself out loud, completely out of the blue. He doesn’t know where the thought comes from, but he’s angry he even had it.  
_

_He’s also had dreams about living with Lily, marrying her and sleeping in the same bed with her, and having a_ kid _with her. But Lily is in a house on the opposite side of town, living with her fiance in the basement of Petunia’s and her husband’s house. He gets angry at the ache he has for her, despite knowing Lily is happy and in love and none of that includes him anymore._

_There’s a memory that surfaces in his mind for a brief moment, of him telling Lily he loves her, though he doesn’t know if it was a memory that happened in real life or if it was from his dreams about the castle._

_His most popular theory about all of this is that he’s going crazy. He genuinely thinks that one of these days he’s going to be taken to a mental hospital, and be known as the boy who thinks he’s a wizard._

_Another memory flashes across his mind, at his and Lily’s wedding and watching Sirius and Remus dance together in the corner all night. James left them alone with the depressing understanding that to them, it was sort of their wedding too, or at least their chance to pretend it wasn’t illegal for them to love each other._

_This “memory” he knows is from his dreams. Sirius showed up in his living room a week ago, drunk and admitting that he’s in love and Remus doesn’t love him back._

_Mary hasn’t come around his house with a new theory about a new healing spell she could create, because spells and “healing potions” aren’t real._

_Dorcas and Marlene started dating days ago, even though in his heart he knows they’ve been together since they were all fourteen._

_None of this is right, and James decides that going insane worrying himself over what’s real and what isn’t is not the way to live. Something about this reality he’s living in isn’t so real after all, and he finally breaks down into sobs over the emptiness this has caused in his chest._

_“Give me back my life.” He pleads quietly into the darkness. In his room of dark, polished wood in the house his parents would never actually live in if this were all real. The darkness does not respond.  
_

_“Please, just give it back.”  
_

James Potter wakes up and he finally knows what’s real and what isn’t.

Lily is laying next to him, blinking the sleep away with a furrowed brow and expression of complete confusion. 

"Harry." James realizes, and he bolts up to run to the nursery at the end of the hallway with Lily following directly behind him. Harry is there in his crib, awake and staring at the floating quidditch brooms and snitches that circle above his crib. Except, now, he looks too old for them and James wonders how long they were asleep for. 

When he sees his parents, he smiles and starts reaching for his mom. Lily bends over the end and scoops Harry into a hug that lasts forever and joined by James coming to wrap his arms over the both of them.

In the living room downstairs, they find Dorcas and Marlene wrapped up together on the couch, swaying back and forth, and crying while they hug. 

Lily hands Harry to James before joining her friends on the couch, who welcome her with surprised but happy sniffles. 

"James?" Remus comes sprinting down the stairs and halts when he sees everyone, relief evident on his face. "I woke up in your guest room." 

"What's going on?" Dorcas questions, not letting go of either woman she has wrapped in her arms. 

"Moony?"

Remus turns his head towards the voice that came from the hallway on the other side of the living room. Sirius stands there, looking defeated and guilty and sad and overall miserable, but Remus runs towards him to hug the man.

"I'm so sorry." Sirius starts to cry, but Remus hushes him and shakes his head. 

"It's okay, I thought you were, too. I'm sorry Pads. It's okay now." 

Harry starts to get restless in James' arms, and James sets him on the ground so he can crawl towards his godfather. Sirius is still crying when he feels Harry tug on his pant leg, but he lets out a sad laugh when he sees his godson. 

"Hiya, Prongslet." Harry gets scooped into Remus and Sirius' hug while James watches his family cry and hug each other. 

"Peter." He says, not wanting to ruin the moment, but finding it important to answer Dorcas' question earlier about what is going on. 

Sirius pulls away from Remus slowly, leaving Harry in Remus' arms. "I'm going to kill him." He says, darkly. 

Marlene has started crying again, shaking her head in disbelief and saying "no! no, no, no, no" over and over again. 

Lily tightens her arms around her friend, and they fall back into Dorcas wrapping her own arms around the both of them. 

"What's the date?" Remus asks, and it's confusing and not necessary to James, he can't understand why Remus cares about the date when they all just discovered that Peter was the one left behind and had the intention to hurt Lily and James but with everything happening, he doesn't question it. He just goes to find the newspaper shoved through the mail slot in the door and pulls it out to observe. 

"Halloween." James says. 

"What?" Lily pulls away from her friends to come stand by James. 

"Today's date. October 31, 1981." He explains

Realization dawns on him then, why Remus cares about what today is. 

"How long -?"

"New year." Remus answers before the question is fully formed. "Right after Harry turned five months." 

The outrage is immediate, Marlene cursing Peter, Lily mourning the passing of their son's first birthday, Sirius swearing about being asleep for _eleven fucking months_. 

There's not much to do. How significant this moment is, realizing that since they all woke up then the war must be over and Peter is dead, but there's nothing else to do until Dumbledore comes to get them. 

So, they eat. 

Dorcas realizes how hungry she is after not eating for eleven months and so they move to the kitchen to find it fully stocked, with nothing over its expiration date. Though, they didn't care enough to check until they were well into the meal and even then, they still didn't care enough to wonder who stocked it for them. 

Sirius hasn't let go of Remus since they saw each other, either holding his hand or hugging him, or ever since he finished eating he was literally sat in the other man's lap and wrapped around him though there were absolutely no complaints from Remus.

Marlene and Dorcas were in a similar situation, leaning on each other and whispering words no one else could hear. James and Lily sat with their knees touching, Harry balanced on their legs and giggling about nothing. 

And honestly, what else was there to do? They were here, and they were holding on because sometimes that's all you've got.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope my rushed and lazy writing didn't make things too confusing but I wanted to get this OUT of my head while I had the motivation and I couldn't be bothered to edit this one. Hopefully there's not too many mistakes. 
> 
> It's SO BAD, I know, but I'm posting it anyways.


End file.
